the commencement speech to end all commencement speeches.

compiled by the good folks at the morning news. read their stuff when you're bored at work. i do.


Ladies and gentlemen, if you’ll spare me a minute, I’d like to offer a few pieces of advice for today’s graduates…

Ask not, ever. Some people will say your college years are the best of your life—ignore them. I find that, sometimes, when your miss your bus, you can run really fast and catch up to it at the next stop!

Also: Write more letters, especially if you’re in jail. Use a colon after an independent clause to introduce a list of particulars, an appositive, an amplification, or an illustrative quotation. And for God’s sake don’t stomp on flaming paper bags. If you’re bi-curious, experiment now; that window is about to close. Spit only in the bathroom sink. Never let a soprano out in the rain without a hat. Listen without prejudice. And get married as soon as possible.

Don’t make generalizations—they will be wrong more often than not. Make friends with the elderly. How often have I mused that all people from Florida smell like moldy pastrami to then be proved wrong by a Floridian with the musky scent of liquid smoke and ammonia.

Fear God. And never get involved in a land war in Asia.

And remember: The only thing more undignified than having to beg strangers for money and food is being treated like you don’t exist, so even if you can’t give the homeless your money, at least be charitable with eye contact. And always kick racism in the ball-sack!

But no matter what you do in life, smile. Smile and the world smiles with you. Make a smile your umbrella. Smile, smiley, smile, smile, smile. Sssssssssmile. But never laugh—nobody likes a jackass.

After all, why would you want to be just a big-toothed fish in a small pond when you could be holding your own among the sharks? Don’t install an Olympic-sized pool if you’re only going to swim the width. And when your life is in the toilet and that blue water is swirling around your head, just remember: The sky is also blue, and as we all know, the sky’s the limit. (It’s important to hope, but vodka does not remove bloodstains from white linen.)

If you instantly regret the entrée you just ordered, you really don’t have to eat it; you can order a second one, and have a nice dinner.

Because success, my friends, is not the measure of a man; height is the measure of a man. Twice in eight years have I soiled myself at work, and I know lots of other people who have too—so when it comes time, remember, you’re not alone. Also, avoid probing stares, enigmatic glances, fixating on the Other’s gaze. The problems of the day are sufficient unto the day…unless you’re Catherine Zeta Jones, who should have many many more. Tonight will be the last night of your life that drinking Everclear will be even remotely excusable; make it count.

And beware of the metaphorical “dark stranger from the east”. He comes baring a long-lost possesion of yours, but something is wrong. Make him show you where he found it. Then tell him to meet you at the Havel bridge at midnight. If he shows up, then you will know whom he really works for. Metaphorically, that is.

(Several dry martinis will silence the raging screams, the cacophony of inner voices. Stars are made of dust. And gas. On fire.)

And not everyone needs a blog—I’m just saying. In high school, a fellow I worked with mowing lawns said to me, “If you have mastered the art of tai chi, they won’t let you in the Olympics. Because if a tai-chi master is close enough, he can suck all the energy out of your body and incorporate it into his. No sir, you never want to be in a foot race with a tai-chi master.”

However, if you’re going to binge drink, wear practical shoes. It’s better to throw up when you’re still drunk than to wait until the following afternoon. And never let your passport expire. When you go out into the world, remember that you will stumble, you will fall, you will get up, you may fall again—but you will still get up, because you are first a graduate of this University, and second a debtor to Fannie Mae—and you will never be able to afford not to work. For those who are interested, there are Capitol One Visa applications available in the rotunda.

What I’m saying is: When offered your first job, argue for more salary and stand your ground. You’re worth it. And keep extra pants in your desk at work for that emergency I mentioned before. And if you don’t know the difference between Philips head and flat head screwdrivers, learn; it will impress the plumbers. And two last points: Buy good coffee beans instead of Starbucks lattés—at the end of the year, you’ll have saved enough money to take a vacation to Ireland. And never eat at any restaurant that offers free balloons. Seriously.

And, finally, never smoke anything with a “crypto” prefix in the name. And avoid the toll road when going home tonight. A tractor trailer flipped over on the interstate and traffic is backed up to the Occaquon. Everything is bumper to bumper on south past I-95.

It’s a mess out there people.